Abuse Exposed

Defeated and in search of relief from relentless angst at home, I decided to attend a Christmas concert. Feeling isolated and alone, I envied the happy families filling every seat in the auditorium. The man to my left tipped his hat, acknowledging my existence as he settled into his seat close to his pretty wife. The stranger to my right struggled to situate her brood of excited children. Fidgeting with a torn cuticle, I forced a smile to reassure the frazzled mother. With Christmas around the corner, shouldn’t I feel joyful, too?

As the audience settled, the lights dimmed to signal the beginning of the program. The choir strolled toward the stage, lifting their voices in beautiful harmony. The familiar Christmas hymns soothed the tension in my heart, and I relaxed for the first time in months.

A break in the singing allowed for testimonies from church members. The first woman to speak recounted her recovery from years of severe depression. Next, a man explained how Jesus delivered him from years of addiction to pornography. The third speaker, a woman in her mid-thirties, seemed calm as she began to speak:

"My name is Laurie. A year ago, a friend brought me a packet of in formation from her nursing re-certification class. I opened the packet, startled to find a brochure entitled Domestic Violence.

“Jan, why did you bring this to me? Paul doesn’t hit me.”

With compassion and pleading in her eyes, Jan replied, ‘Laurie, please, just read the information and then decide—take it or leave it.’

The literature indicated that a person could be victimized by emotional, mental and spiritual abuse as well as physical abuse. As I read further, I found my own experiences within the facts, examples and stories.

“My husband had isolated me in a shell of an existence, little by little cutting me off from friends and loved ones. When I arrived home from work, he expected me to literally sit by his side. He did not permit me to read a book in another room. Under his pressure, I left my church to attend his, because he threatened to move our family to another state unless I complied.

With false accusations of unfaithfulness, he shamed me. His constant criticism concerning my inability to keep house and raise the children, confirmed my worthlessness to him—and to myself. I felt powerless. The reality that defined my marriage hit like a thunderbolt. Abuse had raised its ugly head.

I shared what I learned with my mother and sisters. Shamed by their doubt of my revelations, I decided to find professional help to make sense of my life.

As I entered the counselors office for my first session, my hands felt like ice cubes. Fear that my husband would find out about my attempt to get help caused my body to shudder. Although my pulse raced, I pressed forward through tears and heartache, sharing my story. The counselor suggested I consider separation and develop a safety plan. With my heart shredded, I drove home, fearful of what I’d face next.”

After Laurie shared her story and returned to her seat, my body trembled. No wonder I felt beaten--my experiences were similar to hers. As the happy audience resumed their singing, I sobbed and cried out to God. “Lord, with abuse exposed in my life, too, what do I do next?"

After the concert, I struggled to regain my composure. Feeling vulnerable and ashamed, I approached Laurie to ask for help. When she greeted me with a compassionate hug. When she agreed to meet with me and help me find a counselor,

I felt a flicker of hope.

This is what I learned from Laurie:

"Abuse is any behavior designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and assaults. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse and constant criticism, as well as subtle tactics including intimidation, manipulation and refusal to ever be pleased."

"Emotional abuse systematically wears away the victim's self-confidence, sense of worth, trust in their own perceptions.

Emotional abuse may be obvious like berating, belittling and destructive criticism, or less obvious under the guise of teaching, guidance, or advice. If the intent of abuser is to control and subjugate the victim, the victim losses their sense of value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating harm that may be far deeper and more lasting than scars from physical abuse."1

With abuse exposed in my life through Laurie's story, God began my journey of recovery from brokenness, heartache and codependency. Little by little, He revealed what I needed to learn about abusive relationships in order to change the trajectory of my life.

1Engel, Beverly, MFCC The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself.

New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1992.