Untangling My Dysfunctional Life
Dysfunctional Family Patterns
I spent many hours, months, and years trying to figure out why my marriage failed. I discovered the problems were
rooted in dysfunctional patterns established during my childhood.
As a child I experienced lack of emotional care because Daddy died. Through no fault of his own, from the time
cancer attacked his body, he was unavailable to meet my emotional or spiritual needs. During the years of his illness,
a taxing season, Mother cared for him with every ounce of her energy. After Daddy died, she struggled with depression. Trauma and shame enveloped my family. As a eight year old without nurturing throughout our family crisis and beyond,
I withdrew.
Feeling abandoned by her husband and burdened to care for three young children alone, Mother exercised unreasonable control without flexibility to cope with the daily challenges of parenting. She ruled our home with an authoritarian approach--my way or the highway. With my feelings and opinions silenced or criticized, I spent my childhood trying to please my mother in order to avoid her wrath. The pattern of people-pleasing dominated my personality. Full-blown codependency developed.
“When families fail to provide for a child’s emotional needs, dysfunctional communication patterns form that limit one’s expression of feelings and needs. When a person learns their needs are not important, low self-esteem and unsatisfying relationships develop.” (University of Illinois Counseling Center)
How did I navigate the world around me with no healthy relational skills?
Relationally impaired, trying to figure out how to function in school and with peers, I remained silent. Lacking self-confidence and feeling inferior, I cowered to avoid criticism from teachers and other children. Whenever a teacher
called my name to answer a question, I slumped in my seat dumbstruck. Blood rushed to my head from embarrassment.
This pattern continued throughout grade school. Repeated in middle school. Remained entrenched during high school. And followed me off to college. I never once answered a teacher's question. Emotional neglect rendered me mute.
How did I navigate adulting?
As an adult, I struggled to find my voice. Insensitivity to my feelings and perceptions as a child inhibited the development of confidence in myself, others, and the world. This erosion of trust carried into adulthood.
I doubted my own worth which had never been validated, and relationships suffered. With the dye cast, I entered adulthood with no communication skills, fearful of criticism from everyone, hell-bent on pleasing others due to fear of rejection. Unfortunately, I attracted
critical, controlling, difficult people. I wasted my adult life trying to please narcissistic men which led to painful failures. Because I learned nothing as a child about how to develop healthy relationships, as an adult I repeated the dysfunctional patterns established in my family of origin.
Normal not healthy
Failed relationships became so painful, I cried out to God for help. "Lord help me. Why do relationships always hurt so deeply? What am I doing wrong?" In His kindness and mercy, He began to uncover the root of my problems and led me
to counselors to retrain my thinking into healthy patterns. I began to discover my true identity and value, which had died with Daddy.
God answered my prayer. He held my hand as I started this journey of recovery. He revealed this life-changing TRUTH:
My relationships seemed “normal” because they were familiar, but they were not healthy. In fact, most of my relationships
were self-destructive. I had no idea how to untangle the relational hairball I’d created. How could I stop the heartache and pain? How would I learn new ways to relate? Could I ever overcome my self-doubts and low self-esteem? Until God disclosed the root cause of my pain, nothing could change.
Characteristics of healthy relationships
"In healthy families, children grow up in environments which help them feel worthwhile and valuable. They learn that
their feelings and needs are important and can be expressed. Children growing up in such supportive environments
learn to form healthy, open relationships in adulthood.” (University of Illinois Counseling Center)
Little by little, God orchestrated the steps I needed to cope and change. As I learned more about emotional abuse,
I began to understand how the tragedy of my childhood established patterns that impacted my relationships in adulthood. Forgiveness became the key that unlocked God's answers and redirected the trajectory of my life from
abuse and victimization to freedom. Like untangling a ball of yarn, I found a starting point and begin the process of unraveling the destructive issues knitted into my life.
Each of my blogs reveals a snippet of my journey from dysfunctional strife toward healthy living.
How to identify emotional abuse in your life: Take this QUIZ
(Heartwise Counseling)
Dear God, with Valentine's Day around the corner, I'm supposed to feel happy. Instead, disenchantment floods my mind, because I don't have a man to love me. Heart-shaped balloons and fancy decorated cupcakes haunt me at the grocery store. Ads for gifts flood social media. Even Seven-Eleven sells roses for last-minute lovers. The office provides no solace. Excited women gather to chat and giggle about upcoming dates, romantic dinners and jewelry they hope to receive. Cards and flowers adorn every desk except mine. When I arrive home from work, no one greets me--silence and darkness await. Who cares that I'm late? Who knows if I'm sick or sad? Who shares my sorrows and joys? It's not that I don't want someone to love. You know I've tried to develop meaningful relationships, but in the end nothing lasts except disappointment. God, my loneliness screams louder than the annoying buzz of the refrigerator keeping me company at night. God, what am I to do? Samantha My Dear Samantha, I've seen your precious heart trampled and betrayed as you wonder if you will ever find a suitable husband. I know how living alone depresses you, especially on a Hallmark holidays such as Valentine's Day. When you arrive home from work downcast, although you don't see Me, I am waiting for you. On days your heart feels sick or empty, I offer you My compassions and tender care. In the night as tears soak your pillow, I wipe each one. Many women settle for mass-produced cards with sentiments that fade along with their relationships. But, I wrote you a treasure of love letters in the Bible to express My everlasting love for you. Samantha, My mind overflows with caring thoughts of you all the time, not merely one day of the year. Red balloons pop. Chocolates disappear. Pink. flowers wilt. But My faithful love remains with you for eternity. I know you need someone that's faithful and strong. If you give Me your undivided affection, I'll lavish you with My love until you believe that I am the One you're trying to find to fill the hole in your heart. Samantha, will you join Me for supper at My house on February 14 to share an appetizer of wine and bread? Will you be My forever Valentine? Love, God
Winding my way to God began when Daddy dropped me off at church.
I hate Christmas. When I think of celebrating, sadness wraps around me like a heavy, drab coat.
When I realized abuse resides in my home, I trembled and cried. God what should I do?
I remember the first time I feared my husband . . .
Emotional abuse systematically wears away ones self-confidence and sense of worth.
My tumultuous emotions crashed like waves against boulders. Why do I feel beaten?
When I hear the news about the rapid spread of Coronavirus, anxiety grips my heart.
Feeling lonely hurts, but no matter how helpless and forgotten you feel, find hope here.
God, where are you in the midst of this pandemic?
